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Science has determined that the average American has 100,000 thoughts a day. And they say 90% of those thoughts are just plain inaccurate.

People actually earn a living figuring out this shit.

And if this is even partially true, then we’re all living, eating, breathing walking contradictions that are much more often than not detached from reality.

So we’ve evolved far enough to realize that by constructing belief systems and implementing sometimes ridiculous social norms, the abject fear of the unknown goes away–while an undercurrent of subtler fear permeates our entire lives and never goes away. Man-made constructs–however faulty–are the norm and not the exception. We have not collectively evolved to where it is the norm that these imaginary constructs no longer have pull on us.

It takes a hell of a lot of pain to bring someone to the point that they’re willing to question everything they’ve ever thought as being “true,” regardless of how this level of introspection makes them feel. Is a person “unfortunate,” or do they perhaps have something of great value born of experience and the courage to face their deepest demons, regardless of outcome?

Those who travel this voluntary but painful route sometimes find that their “demons” didn’t even exist in the first place.

Most people are of the world but not truly in it. Jesus said to be “in this world but not of it.” The only way I’ve ever achieved even a glimpse of this spiritual ideal is by smashing my false sense of self (ego) and learning how to be thoroughly unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Then I am everything and nothing, and I experience God holding my hand and cradling me in pure love. In this regard, pain was my best adviser and motivator. It drove me to The Master.

I’m aware of what a ridiculous creature I am. Sometimes it’s as if I am viewing myself from a distance, saying “look at this idiot.” But without the negative connotation to go along with it. A sense of detached bemusement. It’s like watching Saturday morning cartoons, whether it’s at home, at WalMart of some business or social function. Ah, the splendor of the madness! The Royal Scam.

For decades I believed I had no ego because I felt so horrible about myself on every imaginable level. While masturbating, I was even waiting for my hand to reject me. Low self-esteem was a lofty goal.

But I was wrong about lack of ego–I was (self) consumed with it. I may have been a loser, but I was the best loser ever. That which I detested most became my identity because I needed something, anything, to give me enough definition so I could then shop for an ideology or social environment or philosophy to wrap around myself so I could feel like I fit in for a change. This was simply reverse pride, a product of and slave to being bound to the thoughts of others. So I spent the majority of my life on Misfit Island, feeling different and isolated, because I sought refuge in religious and social beliefs that I now understand are 100% inaccurate and faulty by design.

For me, getting to this point has been a very long and hard-fought process. Though I certainly paid my dues, most of the fight’s now over because I realize it’s only a fight if you think that concept into creation.

Most people concern themselves with people and events. Others want to know how things work. And a few live their lives devoted to ideas. Mind you the ideas aren’t always good and sometimes stupid shit–usually self–gets in the way of any real implementation or experimentation. For some, the concept of spending any time or energy worrying what others think is a bit of folly. Those are the people I gravitate toward.

But is this diatribe part of the 90% of my thought life that’s inaccurate? Likely so, but I’m sticking with it for now while remaining open to the idea that this concept may need smashed along with all the others.

Larry Ciptak
June 27, 2013